Workplace Policies (Effective Immediately) 1.1 Disagreements Minor disagreements shall be settled with small acts of violence: a slap to the face, a stapler to the groin, or a laptop to the knees are just a few examples. Employees may use any workplace object or surface in order to injure other employees. Remember: violence encourages others to better understand your way of thinking, and fosters respect in future disagreements. Those who attempt to settle minor disagreements with reason and dialogue shall be in violation of The Code. Major disagreements shall be settled by dropping the gloves and chucking knuckles. The last employee standing shall be considered in the right, though both employees shall be sent home for the duration of that workday. Third parties in disagreements are strictly forbidden, and any third party combatants shall be sent home without pay for the duration of the workweek, though will be considered to have grit and admirable character. Third party incidents shall be ignored if the number of those in the disagreement grows to include the division or team its entirety. Those not participating in a full-division disagreement shall be in violation of The Code and will be considered to be absent of grit and admirable character. 1.2 Benefits and Compensation Benefits and compensation shall henceforth be awarded without reason or rationale. Lower level employees will inexplicably, at times, be better compensated than executives or long-serving employees. Those in the Toronto offices shall be compensated at a rate double of that in regional offices. Performance shall have little to do with compensation. Unquantifiable intangibles will be cited as reasons for inflated remuneration. Those who have outstanding fourth quarters shall be rewarded for that quarter in ignorance of all previous quarters. Those who carry the bulk of the workload and adhere to The Code shall be rewarded in empty platitudes, but not monetarily, though will be considered to have grit and admirable character. 1.3 Responsibility Failure and underperformance by teams and divisions shall fall upon the team leaders and divisional executives. If teams or divisions fail to meet expectations, the team leader or divisional executive shall be summarily dismissed. Teams and divisions will publicly praise their dismissed leaders, and will promise to continue to support the organization with efforts of no less than 110%. 1.4 Discrimination and Harassment We expect and demand a respectful and professional work environment. Discrimination shall not be accepted under any circumstances, with the following exceptions: If it involves Europeans. If it involves French Canadians. If it involves non-Canadians. If its really funny. Harassment shall be tolerated only under the following circumstances: If it involves interns. If it involves first-year employees. If it involves guys who had it coming. If its really funny. For circumstances that do not fall into the above categories, please refer to The Code. 1.5 Statement on the Bearing of Firearms Carrying of firearms is strictly prohibited. This is not the NFL. 1.6 Health & Safety All workplace-related injuries and illnesses shall be kept private, and referred to only as upper- and lower-body ailments. Employees who are absent while suffering from workplace-related injuries and illnesses shall be considered to be lacking grit and admirable character. Should an employee be absent due to non-workplace health issues (hangovers, STDs, pregnant in an adulterous affair), their ailment shall be referred to as the flu or food poisoning. Information concerning hangovers, STDs, and pregnancies from adulterous affairs shall be kept within the organization, under the purview of The Code, and because they are indicative of grit and admirable character. For safety purposes, suits and protective headwear shall be worn at all times on the premises, and removed only in instances of disagreements (see 1.1) or celebration. Athletic supporters are not mandatory, but, cmon. 1.7 Nepotism Nepotism shall be rewarded and encouraged. Family members of previously successful employees shall be determined to possess equal or superior skills to the aforementioned. Automatic respect will be garnered. 1.8 Alcohol & Drugs Use of alcohol and drugs on work premises are strictly forbidden, except during celebrations or getting ready for a big day. Alcohol and drug use on employees personal time shall be discouraged, though ignored if said employees are productive or adhere to The Code or have grit and admirable character. 1.9 Media Relations After each workday, all employees shall be required to address the media. Team leaders and divisional executives shall issue brief statements, followed by terse and adversarial responses to the medias questions. The media shall, at all times, be considered ill-informed and intrusive. Employees will be permitted to answer questions with only the following five responses: We gave a 100% and put in a full day. Its all about the team. I refer you to The Code. Were taking it one day at a time. Only time will tell. Any media member who challenges the policies or activities of the organization will be questioned for not having previously worked in our industry, and dismissed for a lack of understanding of The Code or the merits of those who have grit and admirable character. 2.0 Treatment of Co-Workers All co-workers shall refer to each other by their first name or surname with a –y added to the end (Smith=Smithy or Smitty, Dave=Davey) or by a nickname that is equally affectionate and insulting. Adolescent, insulting, and vile language is henceforth the norm. Employees are encouraged to insult co-workers by calling each other by names that are not gender appropriate, referring to having intercourse with each others mothers and/or partners, and to question both the size and effectiveness of employees manhood. Such language is noted to adhere to The Code, and those who excel at its employment are seen to have grit and admirable character. 2.1 Transferability Henceforth, all employee contracts are transferable. Without notice or warning, any employee may be transferred to another organization. Reasoning for the transfer must include: Spite. Mismanagement. An attempt to shake things up. Disagreement over compensation. Perceived disrespect. Employees request. Failure to adhere to The Code. Lack of grit and/or admirable character. Alternately, employees may now be demoted to subsidiary organizations with lesser facilities in lesser locations, though these subsidiaries are known to foster grit and admirable character. 2.2 Repercussions Minor violation of any of these policies, or any act that violates The Code, will result in a half-day banishment to a secured cubicle that has been built in each divisions workspace. While in the secured cubicle, penalized employees will feel shame. Major violations shall require suspensions at the purview of management, though the length of any suspension shall not be related to any other. At the discretion of management, minor and major violations may be ignored if they are deemed to fall under the discretion of The Code. In such instances, the offending party shall be labeled as having grit and admirable character. Conclusion Each of these policies may change without notice or rationale at the discretion of management, and every 4-8 years the workplace shall be shutdown for 8 months to reevaluate all policies to the great frustration of our valued customers. All employees are forthwith encouraged to adhere to The Code and develop grit and admirable character, or they should go work for a European organization. Interested parties may opt to enroll in the organizations monthly character building workshops on the Sutter Family farm in Viking, Alberta. Isaiah Thomas Jersey . -- Two nights after losing to the Eastern Conferences worst team, the Phoenix Coyotes handled the best. Boston Celtics Pro Shop . -- Conner Bleackley got it done in regulation time and in the shootout. https://www.cheapceltics.com/422n-tom-he...ey-celtics.html. John Albert Elway, 24, was booked into jail early Saturday morning after an incident near a college campus in downtown Denver, according to jail records. Celtics Jerseys China . "We were left with the overall impression that the team wasnt trending toward being able to compete for a Stanley Cup," Capitals owner Ted Leonsis said in a news conference at the clubs arena. "And that was just a clear signal and why it was time to make those changes. Paul Pierce Jersey .com) - The Ottawa Senators will try to keep their slim playoff hopes alive when they face the Chicago Blackhawks who are trying to secure their place in the post-season.GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- Michael Frazier II scored 21 points, Dorian Finney-Smith added 11 and No. 3 Florida overwhelmed Texas A&M 69-36 on Saturday. The Gators (19-2, 8-0 Southeastern Conference) pushed their winning streak to 13 games and extended a school record for consecutive home wins to 27. The latest one was another defensive gem. It tied the fewest points Florida has allowed in SEC play since 1950, matching last years defensive effort against South Carolina. Florida held the Aggies (12-9, 3-5) to 26 per cent shooting and 20 per cent from 3-point range. The Gators also outrebounded Texas A&M 57-27. The Gators closed the first half with a 12-2 run that turned a seven-point lead into a double-digit advantage. They were up 34-17 at the break, and the lead would have been bigger had they hadnt missed 11 of 12 shots from behind the arc. Coach Billy Donovans team found its long-range rhythm early in the second half, with Frazier and Scottie Wilbekin each connecting from behind the arc, and Florida really started pulling away. Fraziers second trey made it 53-24 with 12:27 to play. The Gators coasted from there, improving to 9-1 in Saturday games that followed Thursday night tilts. Donovan used just seven players for most of the game, even with leading scorrer Casey Prather still hobbled by a sprained ankle.dddddddddddd Prather missed practice Friday and wasnt in the starting lineup. He finished with seven points. Texas A&M also benched its leading scorer, Jamal Jones, for undisclosed reasons. Jones came off the bench about 3 minutes into the game, but didnt make a difference. He had seven points on 2-of-11 shooting. None of his teammates reached double figures. The Aggies were down 38 points when Donovan emptied his bench. About the only thing worth watching down the stretch was senior centre Patric Young chase his first double-double of the season. Young finished with nine points and 14 rebounds on his 22nd birthday. He had several chances to reach double figures in scoring, but missed his final three free throws. He missed the second of two with 9:33 to play -- someone yelled just as he started to shoot -- and then missed twice with 7:47 remaining. Donovan pulled him with 5:51 left and the game well in hand. The Gators return to the court Tuesday night against Missouri and will have highly touted freshman Chris Walker available. The NCAA cleared Walker on Wednesday, forcing him to sit out 12 games and repair about $300 for his receiving impermissible benefits during his college recruitment. ' ' '